Fear'

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

you should probably move out of your parents basement at the age of 26 before writing something like that

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

you should probably move out of your parents basement at the age of 26 before writing something like that

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

you should probably move out of your parents basement at the age of 26 before writing something like that

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

you should probably move out of your parents basement at the age of 26 before writing something like that

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

you should probably move out of your parents basement at the age of 26 before writing something like that

no @zmaj there are no resubmissions allowed, you still failed
l0000l imagine taking something taht took 2 minutes so seriously that you spend hours writing another essay l000l
fom is full of dropouts
l0000l
you're actualy so insecure about what people on an online world think

While I appreciate the attempt at banter, I feel compelled to point out the cringeworthy attempt at sounding educated.
"The following is confidential information released..."
Confidential information does not get "released". Confidential information by definition is information that can not be released. It is either leaked, declassified or disclosed.
There should be a comma after "Pure Clanning".
"Doctor Professor" is not a thing. People either go with Doctor after completing their Ph.D. or with Professor after being approved by an education board.
Calling someone an "expert" after already stating they are both a "Doctor" and a "Professor" is superfluous at best.
"Lecturer" is implied by the fact they are a professor.
The overall grading sheet, besides being low quality humor, tries really hard to sound sophisticated but seems to have been written by someone with a flimsy grasp of the English language.
I'm impressed with your observation that an essay indeed "begins" with an introduction.
Bold-faced either refers to bolding text or means "bold in manner or conduct". No one who has any worthwhile university education would bold a thesis statement. Suggesting a thesis statement needs to be bold shows little understanding of the academic world.
Insinuating that the author of an academic essay needs "logic" to make claims is insulting to the audience of this post. Contextually credible evidence does not mean what you think it means. Contextually refers to credible in this statement, which suggests that the credibility of the source is dependent on the context. That is extremely incorrect. Either refer to other words properly or start using commas.
Grading a paper on its merit by checking whether a body paragraph starts with a "topic sentence" is exciting stuff for someone learning the basics of academic writing, but implying it is wrong to not do it makes me wonder whether you've had any experience with academic sources outside of the inept papers submitted by your fellow first-year students.
Equally exciting is the usage of the word "constructs", as if your attempt at sounding brainy needed any more evidence to prove the contrary. We get it, you have a tab with a thesaurus open.
"Essay digs beneath the surface" sounds clumsy although not wrong, but "of the topic under consideration" certainly is. Is it under consideration? Is he writing a dissertation proposal? What exactly is "under consideration" here? Stop trying to sound educated and use words like "subject" or "topic" or simply leave out "under consideration" if you don't know what it means.
You repeat the pleonasm with "Essay ends with a concise conclusion."
I'm very happy you understand what citing means in the academic world, but there is actually no such thing as citing a "resource". I think the word you were looking for is "source", but I'm sure the cup of coffee you drank is grateful for finally getting some credit.
Your last rubric is simply painful. You're suggesting that even if the essay contains no errors, a student can be graded with "Poor" if they did not proofread thoroughly. How would you even check whether the author proofread anything? Or was this another tortuous statement that wanted to say that the essay should contain no errors, potentially the result of proper proofreading? You keep using phrases that don't actually mean what you want them to mean. Stick to more basic language next time.
Your first comment opens with "lack of credible sources" but the rubric only suggested a minimum of one credible source. Either you are contradicting your grading criteria or you are nit-picking for no clear reason. Maybe you should have proofread your own banter post before trying to call someone else's "poorly written".
While not inherently wrong your writing style is awful. "That" can be omitted in over half of the cases if you reworded your clumsy writing, although admittedly that would be too much to ask for.
I guess it's part of the attempt at banter but "emotional rambling" breaks the illusion of you trying to grade it as if you actually were someone with an education.
Next, "that results in the overall context of the essay" legit does not make sense in any way. Emotional rambling does not affect the "context of the essay". It might result in poor argumentation, poor flow, poor academic value, but implying rambling can affect the "context" of the essay is hilarious unless you are implying he is writing a thesis on the rambling itself. Which he is not, which again makes you wrong.
Concluding the sentence with "of the essay to fall victim." may sound smart but it's actually wrong. Again. The essay falls victim to what here, exactly? The emotional rambling is the result so you can't possibly refer to that. I think you're missing a few words here buddy, as you didn't mention a cause.
It is indeed an "interesting choice of colorful language". However, as you try to insult it in the next sentence, which happens to be a completely new sentence, that should not be a comma but a period. The more you know.
"If this was a 5th grade essay you might have passed" is admittedly cheeky, but considering the fact you're writing in the present by using "you might have passed", that "was" should actually be a "were".
All-in-all I didn't actually expect much from a little essay written by anyone from EOP as your clan is known for its lack of educated members. I think you trying to compete with FOE in the banter department is very brave but evidently it's not your strong suit. You already got beaten in the meme department so I hope you find something you're actually good at. Third time's a charm, right?
Overall grade: F-.
Result: Fail.
Chance of a re-sit: Do us all a favor and don't bother.
Thanks for playing.

yo jimi hows that 17-0 against apex going?
u got mass 25 defence to complete, yet u havent won anything l00000000l

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".

The following is confidential information released from the School of Pure Clanning after a student was found to be falsifying their results on the Pure Community website "Sharkbrew". 
Doctor Professor Koshar IcyB, an expert and lecturer at the school, commented that the student is simply trying to cope with his struggles of his first year back at university and "wants to look good in front of his classmates".